The car .. its like a freaking Confessional

I am fixated on the road, concentrating on what's ahead and can only periodically look over to the child at my right.
THEY KNOW THIS!
This is where I am told their deepest darkest secrets , those secrets have changed over the years and have a lot more weight these days.

I have heard about drugs, alcohol, sex.... 3 cheers to mainstream music which has also created such conversations as "Alien Sex" thank you Katy Perry for THAT shitty day at school, and of course S+M courtesy Rhianna. You might think that as a Passion Parties Consultant and living the Human Body Experience that I would have an arsenal of thoughtful educational responses to these very valid questions of what are these acts exactly... BUT I DON'T !

I am possibly not as reactive as some may be,  but when your 12 yr old son is singing " ssss mmm ssss mmm" in the car on the way to school and all I can think is that he is going to wander in there belting this Rhianna fav thinking the choir teacher is gonna frikken recruit him due to great skill that I tend to lose my shit for a second.
It's true , I shoot from the hip ... when I said in my first post in this blog I am very real, I meant it.. I speak to my kids in public the same way I speak to them at home, I don't put a show on for the masses...( my son once gave me hell in the Principals office for saying "shit show" when he had started a fight)... so I clearly responded with " what the fuck are you singing?"
which very quickly turned into a short and clear conversation about S+M, a pretty minor 12 yr old appropriate description and I sent him to school for a FULL day of  "sometimes when two adults trust each other 100% they participate in some things where one is left unable to move and the other adult touches in places the immobile adult finds pleasure in" running through his head  .. Jesus , if I were religious THIS is where I would start praying wildly.

I then release this child into the wild for the next 6 hours of his life, on a new medication that has certainly begun to control his impulses and I beg of the Universe to let him get through the day without one mention of our Bondage talk in the confessional .. I mean CAR!

At the end of the day .. he is just a boy trying to make it through a day without being bullied, feeling he is treated the same way as the other kids in every way.

So Far so good .... and here is my disclaimer

to those of you that I silently passed judgement on you for putting your kids on ADHD meds .. I sincerely apologize from the absolute bottom of my heart .. you didn't know that I judged you as I judge the parent with the kid on a leash in a mall.... but I probably did.

I believe things happen FOR us not TO us ... and I think this walk through ADHD is here for me to become a more understanding woman , a better friend and the best Mom I can be.

Quote of the day " Mom, I really thought when I was not on medicine that I was normal and I was really angry that you wanted me to be different, now that the medicine helps me I finally feel like I am the ME that I am supposed to be"

BOOM!

There IT is ... FOR us not TO us.
He is kind, loving and sensitive, not the monster I feared he would become on the path he was beginning to take.

I GET IT NOW :)

I wrote this awhile back but didn't have the balls to throw it out there... I have read it a ton and it makes me feel better each time. I have been reading many other stories from moms just like me with families just like mine... felt good to feel connected and not alone

Feb 26^th, 2014

We are in what feels like our 10^th month of severe Winter … it’s February and cabin fever is setting in . I am not one of those granola types ( god love the granola, that’s how I grew up) that embrace Winter by cross country skiing, walking to The Forks with frozen eyelids and lashes and strapping on ice skates to glide across the River ice path. I park my car in the garage , I have command start and if my heated seats aren’t warm when my ass lands on it I feel like I might die. YES,  I like my luxuries but I didn’t always have them , I have worked very hard building my direct sales business, rising to the top pretty quick and loving the lifestyle changes that came along with that.

Call me spoiled, I am okay with that.  I am. I lived humbly always, my first marriage we lived humbly as well. But when pushed to create a life for me and my children that we needed just to sustain us , pay the bills and hopefully give us a little extra, I stumbled across the wonders of self accountability and taking 100% responsibility. I believe things happen FOR us not TO us and for this reason alone I have decided to begin to keep my thoughts on paper (showing my age). A collection of the shit that is going on in my brain that makes me feel bi polar on a good day . I am experiencing so many high lows in a 24 hour period of time that I actually feel some days that I need to enlist the Pam sisters for help. Lorazepam, Clonazepam …. Anything to stop this emotional roller coaster that I am seemingly unable to control right now, as I careen through it .

Once I went to Las Vegas and went on this roller coaster called “Speed the Ride” I sat at the front and was terrified for the next 43 seconds of my life. I had to remove all objects that could cause harm. Headbands, earrings, rings, you name it. You would think that would have been my first clue to bail but no, I relinquished all of the above items (for my safety) and put my life in the hands of this 40 year old pot head that was running this ride.

It shot forward while I slammed back in my 5 point harness and within 21.5 seconds I was on the exterior of the building this ride was housed in and the track ENDED! I held my breath, I closed my eyes and it all became very clear why I needed to remove all items that could be harmful. My 5 point harness jammed into my chest as the ride shot backwards and within 21.5 seconds again I was parked at the spot we took off from. I have never experienced such terror in my life, such erratic shift in thoughts in such a short period of time. Until now.

 

Although my son has struggled for years, since kindergarden to be exact, I have tirelessly worked to access the hidden help that was rumoured to accessible. “They” said it existed but no one pointed me in the right direction, “they” said I had to pay for assessments which I did out of my own pocket as a single mom to be told, he was fine, no problems, he is a “boy”.

 

HERE IT IS :

 

WE HAVE ADHD and I FUCKING HATE IT And at the same time I LOVE IT because its who he is and WE ARE AND will always be together .

 

 

 

2008
AND
2013
OHANA

Not too sure what this BLOG is gonna look like, I don't even know if I know what one is or how one is to perform in such a format... and I don't really care. lol


What I do know is that i won't apologize for my typos or mistakes , this is ME My brain runs waaay faster that my hands ever will. I make mistakes I stumble on words, I cuss, I'm Real, and I have so many things in my brain that are consistently yammering at me that some days meds might be helpful.

My life is busy and FULL of all kinds of factors and I need to write them down .. read this or don't I don't give a shit but I have been through some tough days balanced off with stupendous days and I have started writing them down in my own brain dump style book and have decided to just start throwing up on you here.

My Family, My relationships, my biz, my kids struggles, my friends struggles.... I am a social butterfly personality type by trade BUT I care so frikken much about people around me and can't always express it except to use humour. I HURT so deeply for those I love that struggle daily , minute by minute, I internalize all that STUFF and do my best to do whatever small things I can that make me feel like I am maybe just placing a lil sunshine in their day.

so WTF.....

 I turned 42
For my birthday I am deciding to stay healthy
35 lbs down
Feeling pretty fantastic
I have learned who my true friends are
And I have learned who my sometimes friends are and that's ok cuz they all have a purpose in my life
Some I see seldom but always feel their love surrounding me
Some I see never and feel them watching over me
I have learned family by way of blood doesn't measure LOVE
I am surrounded by people who love me as much as I LOVE them and
I put on a pair of JEGGINGS BITCHES! Ya I did and
They don't look terrible either :)
GIVE to those who give back, love those who love back, share with those who share back... default to positivity 100% of the time and always choose the path that suits YOU best. Everyone else will fall in place if they are supposed to.
I'll be over here BEING ME!

Everyone DESERVES a Tiara
Vicki