I wrote this awhile back but didn't have the balls to throw it out there... I have read it a ton and it makes me feel better each time. I have been reading many other stories from moms just like me with families just like mine... felt good to feel connected and not alone

Feb 26^th, 2014

We are in what feels like our 10^th month of severe Winter … it’s February and cabin fever is setting in . I am not one of those granola types ( god love the granola, that’s how I grew up) that embrace Winter by cross country skiing, walking to The Forks with frozen eyelids and lashes and strapping on ice skates to glide across the River ice path. I park my car in the garage , I have command start and if my heated seats aren’t warm when my ass lands on it I feel like I might die. YES,  I like my luxuries but I didn’t always have them , I have worked very hard building my direct sales business, rising to the top pretty quick and loving the lifestyle changes that came along with that.

Call me spoiled, I am okay with that.  I am. I lived humbly always, my first marriage we lived humbly as well. But when pushed to create a life for me and my children that we needed just to sustain us , pay the bills and hopefully give us a little extra, I stumbled across the wonders of self accountability and taking 100% responsibility. I believe things happen FOR us not TO us and for this reason alone I have decided to begin to keep my thoughts on paper (showing my age). A collection of the shit that is going on in my brain that makes me feel bi polar on a good day . I am experiencing so many high lows in a 24 hour period of time that I actually feel some days that I need to enlist the Pam sisters for help. Lorazepam, Clonazepam …. Anything to stop this emotional roller coaster that I am seemingly unable to control right now, as I careen through it .

Once I went to Las Vegas and went on this roller coaster called “Speed the Ride” I sat at the front and was terrified for the next 43 seconds of my life. I had to remove all objects that could cause harm. Headbands, earrings, rings, you name it. You would think that would have been my first clue to bail but no, I relinquished all of the above items (for my safety) and put my life in the hands of this 40 year old pot head that was running this ride.

It shot forward while I slammed back in my 5 point harness and within 21.5 seconds I was on the exterior of the building this ride was housed in and the track ENDED! I held my breath, I closed my eyes and it all became very clear why I needed to remove all items that could be harmful. My 5 point harness jammed into my chest as the ride shot backwards and within 21.5 seconds again I was parked at the spot we took off from. I have never experienced such terror in my life, such erratic shift in thoughts in such a short period of time. Until now.

 

Although my son has struggled for years, since kindergarden to be exact, I have tirelessly worked to access the hidden help that was rumoured to accessible. “They” said it existed but no one pointed me in the right direction, “they” said I had to pay for assessments which I did out of my own pocket as a single mom to be told, he was fine, no problems, he is a “boy”.

 

HERE IT IS :

 

WE HAVE ADHD and I FUCKING HATE IT And at the same time I LOVE IT because its who he is and WE ARE AND will always be together .

 

 

 

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OHANA